Fall on your knees and grow there. There is no burden of the spirit but is lighter by kneeling under it. Prayer means not always talking to Him, but waiting before Him till the dust settles and the stream runs clear – F.B. Meyer. Weeping may last for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning – Psalm 30:5. Had anyone told me the hours I spent waiting on God were hours he was using to mend my broken heart and put me back together, I would have waited a lot more cheerfully. Most of what I remember is groping about in darkness as he lifted me above the raging seas, urging me to keep my eyes locked on him. My ordeal was torturous because it was ongoing for over two years. The enemy kept throwing missiles my way and wouldn’t let me rest, until this spring when I cried out in anguish to the Lord and I heard him say to guard my heart (Proverbs 4:23), upon which I firmly closed the door.
Now I know that everything serves a purpose. Had I rushed headlong back into my life as I knew it, I would never have known how to grab a hold of God and soar with him above troubled waters. I would never have learnt to fly high above oceans. I wouldn’t have learnt to rest in the eye of the storm and let him fight my battles. I would never have learnt to walk on water…
But I stayed, and I waited. Imperfectly. Sometimes fretting. Sometimes softly wailing. Sometimes questioning, emotionally beaten, bruised, and broken. Still, I waited at his feet. I occasionally thought of turning to man for comfort. I knew how deeply that would displease my father because I instinctively knew that he had saved me for himself, for he had a plan and a purpose for my life. I got my feet wet as I tried to bargain with God, pleading with him to forgive me for exercising my will over his. Still, he kept tugging at my heart, urging me to wait. So I kept closing doors so I could wait as instructed. I waited while I cried and laughed. I waited in both joy and sorrow. I danced and mourned all at once, learning to praise Him in the storm. With every missile the enemy threw my way, I crumbled at my Lord’s feet for I wasn’t strong enough yet, eventually learning that the quickest way out of a storm was to go down in tears and rise up with praise.
My Lord brought me out of the pit the enemy was trying to kill me in. “But you have brought up my life from the pit, O Lord my God. While I was fainting away, I remembered the Lord, and my prayer came to You, into Your holy temple.” (Jonah 2:7). After I had suffered a little while, he heard my cry and came to my rescue, and established me. “After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.” (1 Peter 5:10). He gave me oil for joy and turned my mourning into dancing. “you have turned my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness” (Psalms 30:11)
Isaiah 61:1-4 prophesied of Jesus “He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor. They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations.” This is what my beloved has done for me. He has restored my life and the lives of those I love -those I have stood in the gap for and interceded for wee morning after wee morning. God has faithfully answered all my prayers and brought us all in.
One thing I do know for sure is that now with my heart largely mended and healed, waiting on the Lord is a most tranquil experience. There’s a twinge here and there whenever a scab is picked, and he’s still working on that, but I am largely mended and healed, put beautifully back together. I love it here. I could stay here for the rest of my life, sheltered-in with him. Alas, the work must continue, for we are not saved for our own comfort. Rather, it is so we can go forth and bring glory to his name, salting the earth whenever it needs flavoring, shining his light in all the dark places, snatching others from the fire of hell.
What you’re reading here is a glimpse of the process, and a process it is. I had often heard it spoken about -submitting to the process; the humbling and re-making of men; the threshing floor where the wheat is separated from the chaff… No longer going through the valley of the shadow of death, I’m still in my process. As my morning dawns, the journey gets easier with fewer falls and knee-scraping even as my joy increases. I am more in love with my father than ever before. It breaks my heart whenever I sin against him, usually with my tongue, but he continues to faithfully work on me, committed to finishing the good work he began in me. Phil 1:6 “And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” wait… what..?? until Jesus’ return? So not in this lifetime? Lord have mercy!