I Really Should Know Better

8 minutes

Time spent with family in Texas

Today will be a short one as I am running on no sleep at all. Yesterday was a tough day for several reasons. I just came back from spending about two weeks in Texas with my family, so coming back to a vacant home was a tough adjustment. Additionally, I had suffered an allergic reaction that had left my left eye swollen, leaving me to deal with an asymmetrical face. To top it off, I was fully immersed in reminiscing about Emma and all that could have been. What’s terrible is that the one person that could commiserate with me, the one person that shares this memory with me, spent the rest of the day berating me. My crime that had incurred his ire this time around, you ask? I had asked an uncomfortable question, which he then proceeded to term ‘abusive’, thus giving himself permission to yell and swear at me, and revisit all my supposed 5 major wrongs experienced during the decade we spent together, most of them dating our first year together -talk about keeping grudges! It felt like an out-of-body experience as I listened to his version of events over and over again in an effort to tear me down and cause me to doubt myself as he kept assuring me that I was the worst human being alive, and that should he know my boyfriend, he would be sure to alert him to the kind of person he was falling for. Completely lacking self-awareness, he proceeded to call himself a nice person over and over and over again, as if trying to convince himself that this was indeed the case. Now, now, no one is bad all the time (except me apparently), so he is right about being a nice person sometimes : )

I can smile about it now but at the time, I only kept repeating tearfully again and again how hurtful his words were to me as he callously laughed at how happy he was to be rid of me, hissing how we were ‘never a match’, a common refrain during that entire decade. It’s surreal to watch someone do their best to gaslight you, albeit ineffectively. I held my tongue and kept my peace as I listened to rant after rant of how much of a bad person I am, and how much of a nice person he is. I was told what a disappointment I am, how I had not changed one bit, that I was still that wicked girl, and yelled at to ‘just move on!‘ a handful of times. It’s coming up three years now and we still manage to be in each other’s lives as we all try to hobble on with our lives : ) I’m the wiser for it as God has really had me in his ‘school of the spirit’. Needless to say, I am humbled by all the progress I have made in terms of character transformation at my master’s feet. Save for a couple of tongue-in-cheek retorts here and there, I am generally on my best behavior, and I have become quite adept at holding my tongue, keeping my peace, and simply observing the ways of a man’s heart as he thrashes about devoid of a scapegoat anymore, yet still determined to hold on to one. It can be quite disheartening to keep being fronted as the cause of everything. If it weren’t so obvious that it is the devil playing with a man’s emotions, it would be amusing -but it isn’t. It mostly fills me with heartache for myself and compassion for him. A man is in pain, ducking about to shun ALL responsibility and blame it ALL on everyone else but the one common denominator in all these cases -woman after woman discarded; three before me; and now also the Facebook crush that came after me, discredited and tossed aside a year later. Oh, what a life… what a life

What terrible choices we make when we fail to fully surrender to God and turn to His word for guidance and instructions. I’m not sure why we often think that only acknowledging him is enough when Hw has clearly instructed us to seek Him in HIS WORD. We seem to think that we can dictate how we want to worship God when He Himself has stipulated exactly how He wants to be worshipped in HIS WORD. How we choose to relate to God wasn’t left up to us; He spells out how in HIS WORD -the scriptures. How much longer will we thrash about, insisting that we are honoring God while we’re actually still living life our way instead of his way as he specifies in the Bible?! We don’t each get to make up our truth! There is only ONE TRUTH, and it is found in God’s word, the Bible! If your nose is not in the word, you are not serving God, because you cannot serve whom you do not know! He has revealed himself in the bible. He has revealed how He wants to be worshipped in the Bible. He has revealed how to please Him with our walk in the Bible. We cannot move forward without opening the Bible and getting to know the God we are claiming to worship -it simply cannot be done! Pride will kill us; arrogance will kill us -all mainstays of the devil. There is no pride in God, no arrogance, no ducking accountability. God has all the answers, but we must come to him fully submitted, not holding parts of ourselves away from him. He needs us to come fully surrendered if he is going to do a thorough work of transformation in us, but we must come fully surrendered and willing to be instructed in his WORD -there is no other way around it.

All that aside, I was in anguish last night, completely inconsolable, unable to sleep. I cried out to God for justice several times as I tossed and turned, reminiscent of David in this Psalm 6:6 verse “I am worn out from my groaning. All night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears.” I missed my Emma, I missed my son (he spent his birthday with friends on campus), and I missed this man who once loved me so very dearly, and now treats me worse than a dog. The torment is real, probably from all the tormenting the enemy is putting him through -poor soul… do spare a prayer for him, for that is what we are called to do, to pray one for another. Pray for me as well, for all I have been able to whisper in prayer to God is ‘help me‘ and ‘see me‘ over and over again. I even threw out one of these from 1 Samuel 24:12May the LORD judge between you and me. And may the LORD avenge the wrongs you have done to me, but my hand will never be against you.” Then I would intermittently fall down the TikTok rabbit hole, then Twitter, then back to YouTube. Every time I would close my eyes to sleep, a throat would choke up in tears and I would offer up a prayer, ‘help me God‘. It was a relief when my sister from another mother, my dearest friend Lexi, called to check on me (having found me in tears last night) at 8 am and we proceeded to chat for a good four hours where all my tears turned to laughter after lots of encouragement and words of wisdom from her as she helped me sort through my freshly mangled heart and eternally tangled feelings. I love how my father works, how he sends help. After that phone call, I stopped feeling sorry for myself and got up, cleaned up, and drove to the grocery store to stock up on Tissues and paper towels (TikTok keeps telling me to, something about upcoming worldwide supply-chain delays). I treated myself to the ‘ten vegetable soup’ from ‘Panera Bread’ -just delicious! Then I sat down to type this post : ) I am feeling cheered up thankfully, just from typing these few Bible verses here -God’s word always has the capacity to pull us from the depths of despair.

Psalms 130:1-8From the depths of my despair I call to you, LORD. Hear my cry, O Lord; listen to my call for help! If you kept a record of our sins, who could escape being condemned? But you forgive us, so that we should stand in awe of you. I wait eagerly for the LORD’s help, and in his word I trust. I wait for the Lord more eagerly than watchmen wait for the dawn — than watchmen wait for the dawn. Israel, trust in the LORD, because his love is constant and he is always willing to save. He will save his people Israel from all their sins.” His word is so healing. It is balm to the weary soul. He always has a relevant word, an on-time word for us. I’m not sure why I forget sometimes; had I read the Bible yesterday instead of mopping about, I would have redeemed my time and had a better day y’all Arghhh! When will I learn, the wretched soul that I am?? “Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!Romans 7:25. I often forget that my job is to hide in the Lord, to run to his fotress and make Him my refuge. I can trust “God who always causes us to triumph in the Christ and makes manifest the savour of his knowledge by us in every place2 Cor. 2:14. God will cause us to triumph when we wait patiently for Him and put our trust in Him. Psalm 40:1-6I waited patiently for the LORD; He inclined to me and heard my cry. He lifted me up from the pit of despair, out of the miry clay; He set my feet upon a rock, and made my footsteps firm. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD. Blessed is the man who has made the LORD his trust, who has not turned to the proud, nor to those who lapse into falsehood. Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders You have done, and the plans You have for us—none can compare to You—if I proclaim and declare them, they are more than I can count.” All praise be to God.

It wasn’t short after all, I appparently had a lot to say, a lot to get off my chest. Just as well, I haven’t given any real updates for a couple years now, so now is as good a time as any : ) I decided to slyly do Vlogtober without saying anything just incase I don’t see it through, but thanks be to God I am close to the finishing line. The last time I participated in Vlogtober was in 2018 right before that seismic shift in my family life. Looking back, I am glad I did it then as I can now see how much I was calling on the Lord to intervene in my life; back then I was being descreet and all confused, mixing in Law of Attraction teachings and everything else –Oh Lord have mercy! I can see that God in his loving kindness and faithfulness did intervene, taking me on a long holiday and making me completely over *grin. I’m so glad he did that, so very glad -we are one of the lucky ones my friends. Okay, I really should leave you now. Stay healthy and happy, and let’s all keep each other in our prayers so that God’s will may always prevail and only He may get the glory. I am off to cook some delicious zuchinni spaghetti that I bought at the grocery store today. Just emerged from a three-day dry fast and fasting the rest of this month, so lemme go enjoy my veggies : )  Stay with me folks, our journey continues…  You can save a lot of time waiting on God” ~ Adrian Rogers. 

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