There is a deep joy within me. I didn’t know I could be this happy. Nobody told me. Actually, people did tell me but I didn’t really believe them. I thought I would be sad endlessly… There is an end to all things. Trouble does come to an end. To quote Psalm 30:5, ‘weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning.’ Friends, my morning joy came a couple of months ago. It’s a magical time in my life, sweet release. My trust in my Father is so complete and I truly lack nothing.
The few dreams I had from a past life (if they were dreams at all) have been laid to rest as my Father births within me other dreams to replace the old ones. And who can doubt that God’s plans for us are better than our plans for ourselves? He tells us in 1 Corinthians 2:9 that no eye has seen, no ear has heard, no heart has imagined what God has in store for those that love Him. And in Ephesians 3:20-21, that he is able to do exceedingly, abundantly, above all we could ask or think. I believe His word for I have seen His hand at work in my life. In my trust in Him, I continue to rest quietly as He gloriously weaves my story back into His original plan and purpose for my life.
I wait attentively and expectantly for His voice as He clears the fog and points the way forward. Surprisingly, the focus is on dreams I had long held, but had since let go, drowning them in the sea of impossibilities I had been faced with because of decade-long choices I had made outside of Him. My head is bursting with ideas and I am eager to start creating what He is laying on my heart on this lifelong journey to becoming love. To quote Judikay’s song: that man of Galilee, He is always doing good. He truly has taken care of everything and nothing remains to be done. If He does nothing else for me, He has done enough already.
I remember his promise that fateful night a year and a half ago now. He said to turn to Him, that He had the answers I was looking for. That He will never walk out on me. That He will never leave me nor forsake me. I can hear Him over and over again, the urgency in His voice, almost pleading for me to trust Him yet again. And He held on until I discerned that it was His voice a couple of months later. This man of Galilee, He was pleading with me to let Him bless me! This is what Brennan Manning calls ‘the furious longing of God’ (2009), what English poet Francis Thompson calls ‘The Hound of Heaven’ (1893), I call it ‘The Relentless Pursuit’ (2022)… This man who is God incarnate, this God of heaven, creator of the universe, maker of all things… pursuing a mere mortal relentlessly… What is man that you are mindful of Him, the son of man that you care for him? You made him a little lower than the heavenly beings and crowned him with glory and honor…? Psalm 8:4 What is man that you are mindful of Him..? I will ponder this question till eternity…
Rarely do I think of my Father without tears of deep abiding joy filling my eyes. That a man could give me such peace, joy and love in my heart is more than I can understand of this Christ. That a man could enable me to forgive and continue to love unconditionally, that He could heal a broken heart and make it as good as new… I love Him, this man of Galilee, I love Him so much! I will lose the whole world to follow Him. I will listen closely for His voice so I can do His bidding. He is all I want. He is all I need. As long as I have Him, I have everything I want. Where He leads is where I will walk, for He says in Isaiah 30:21 that when I come to crossroads, He will whisper to me, ‘this is the way, walk in it’. So I will wait faithfully to hear His voice, for in Him I have everything : )) There is nothing I could give to Him that He hasn’t first given me. I can never repay Him, so I give Him all I have, my very life. I am His forever :))
My Twitter friend, Patricia, once wished me laughter that comes from the belly -I’m there Patricia, I made it there by God’s grace. I didn’t know what you meant then, but now I see it, and you were right, my laughter comes from my belly : )) Thank you for giving me that visual as a point of reference so I would know what it will look like, a vision to hold on to until its manifestation. Thank you Mark for always checking on me and for praying over me. Thank you Emily for reading every post and encouraging me. My dearest Lexi, thank you for sisterhood and for teaching me that Jesus loves women, and for the weekly phone check-ins. Thank you Vanessa for the handholding and prayers. Thank you Sharon for praying with me those early days. Thank you Roisin for choosing to walk this journey with me via frequent calls, texts and emails.
Thank you mama for endless prayers over me. Thank you Clem for being my big sister and for caring and always checking on me. Thank you Chris, my younger sister, for always loving me, fighting for me, you’ve always felt my pain deeply -we’ve healed now. Thank you Terry, my baby sister, for all the prayers and revelations. Thank you Antony, my only brother, for the endless phone calls and for always giving me another perspective. Thanks to all my beautiful nieces for going out of their way to lovingly check up on me -you’ve all learnt compassion at such a tender age. And to my precious Jan, thank you for never faltering and for always having faith in God’s promises and God’s processes even more than me.
A big thank you goes to my former husband for this trial that afforded me the greatest victory of my life yet. What you couldn’t give me, what I had no right to ask of you, God has stepped in and taken care of -He will never leave me nor forsake me. I pray He steps in for you too and meets you where you are, for our lives only really ever count for something when they are lived in Him and for Him… I know you never wanted anything but happiness for me. I am happy : )