Balance works out such that when one pushes, the other one pulls instinctively. When one leans in, the other leans out automatically. It’s called the dance, a little here a little there. In physics, we call it dynamic forces. Forces for change vs forces against change. As long as the forces are going back and forth, there’s dynamic movement. But when both forces come to an equalization, they are stuck.
In moments of crisis, we get stuck in this dynamic forces mode, preventing us from seeing beyond the current crisis. We then lie to ourselves that we need just one more thing and then we’ll be happy. That if we just changed that one thing, then we’ll be fine. If we win the lottery… if we find the one… if we earn that degree… if we have the children… if we get a divorce… if we relocate to that place… It’s called Focusing illusion – ‘a cognitive bias that occurs when people place too much importance on one aspect of an event, causing an error in accurately predicting the utility of a future outcome.’
In essence, we cannot overcome resistance with more force. We cannot remove resistance by forcing through on to the other side. We create more resistance whenever we push harder making us stay stuck right where we are, or worse yet, descend into a downward spiral. The best way to deal with resistance in any given situation is to agree with it and be okay with the outcome. Again, resist arriving at singular truths about complex situations. Be critical of the single story and question widely held stereotypes.
If something we value is falling apart, we can’t fix all the other parties involved to make it go right; we can only fix ourselves. Be the person you need to be and keep working on yourself. Instead of continually holding yourself under a microscope and picking yourself apart, forgive yourself and grant yourself permission to move on along. Forgive the others party too for not being who you wanted them to be. ‘Always see the humanity in others and seek to uphold their dignity’ ~ Helena Grey. Write your loss story and let them go. All you can do is all you can do. And all you can do is enough.
Anticipatory hurt can keep us bottled up because we’re afraid of feeling the pain. Be vulnerable. Disconnect from the fear and stay vulnerable. Success or failure, well-earned pain is better than regret-pain, the pain of having not tried. Try. Leave it all on the field. Then rewrite the script and tell a different story. If you have lived through defeat, then you are not defeated. Allow yourself to dream again; it will be glorious. Cheers, Grey xoxo